For many, relationships are a source of joy, love and connection. But, for those with unresolved trauma or past issues, they can also be a breeding ground for resentment. 

When left, these negative feelings can fester and grow, creating distance, conflict, and even bitterness between partners. As a therapist offering both couples and individual therapy in Cheshire, I have witnessed firsthand the destructive impact that resentment and unresolved past hurts can have on relationships.

Feelings of resentment typically come up when we feel wronged, unheard or unappreciated in our relationship. This can stem from a single, larger incident or build up over time as a result of multiple micro hurts or disappointments to become a pattern of behaviour. 

You may feel like your partner is constantly dismissing your feelings, fails to contribute to household chores, or prioritises their own needs above yours. Or, you may have a larger past incident which has deeply hurt you, such as lying or cheating. Whether big or small, these transgressions can build up, leaving you feeling powerless in a relationship and creating a sense of injustice and frustration.

Unresolved past issues, whether from within the current relationship or from previous experiences, can also cast shadows, which influence our present interactions and can cause a cycle of negativity. Perhaps you haven’t quite forgiven your partner for a past betrayal, or you’re carrying trauma from previous relationships that’s impacting how you act in your current one. These unresolved issues can act as triggers, leading to heightened emotional reactions and communication breakdowns over time. 

How does resentment impact relationships?

You may feel that you can ignore feelings of resentment in the hopes that they go away, unfortunately, this can act as a poison, eroding the foundation of trust, intimacy, and connection in a relationship. 

It can lead to increased conflict as partners become more critical, defensive, and less willing to compromise. Communication breakdowns become more frequent as resentment creates a barrier to open and honest dialogue.

When resentment festers, the decline in emotional and physical intimacy can be profound, creating a sense of distance and detachment that leaves both feeling lonely and unfulfilled. You might find yourselves withdrawing from each other, both physically and emotionally, leading to a lack of affection, sexual intimacy, and shared activities.

Resentment can also manifest as passive-aggressive behavior, criticism, and defensiveness, further fueling the cycle of negativity. Rather than directly addressing their concerns, partners might resort to subtle digs, sarcasm, or withdrawing affection as a way of expressing their unhappiness. This type of behavior only serves to create more distance and misunderstanding.

Can a relationship survive resentment?

Though resentment can be very damaging, taking the time and putting in the hard work can help your relationship to thrive again. Couples therapy can provide a safe and structured space to communicate your feelings together, explore the root causes of the resentment, develop healthier communication patterns, and learn to forgive and move forward.

During couples therapy sessions, you and your partner can work together to identify the underlying issues that are contributing to the resentment, constructively express your feelings, and develop strategies for resolving conflict and rebuilding trust. I offer a non-judgmental space in which couples can work to rebuild trust and create a more harmonious relationship. 

How do you let go of resentment towards a partner?

Letting go of resentment towards your partner starts with you, as you’ll need to be willing to forgive both yourself and them. It involves acknowledging the hurt, communicating your feelings openly and honestly, and actively choosing to release the negativity you’re feeling. This process can be challenging, especially if the resentment has been building for a long time or there have been significant betrayals of trust.

Choosing forgiveness doesn’t mean you are condoning hurtful behaviour but rather releasing yourself from the grip of anger and bitterness. It’s about recognising that holding onto resentment only hurts you in the long run and prevents you from moving forward. My individual and couples therapy in Warrington (or online via Zoom) can provide guidance and support as you navigate this process to better your relationship and your feelings towards it. 

How to deal with past relationship issues?

As much as we’d love to start new relationships with a clean slate, past relationship issues can significantly impact your present dynamics. Unresolved issues, whether from previous relationships or earlier in your current one, can create negative patterns of behaviour, trigger emotional reactions, and hinder your ability to connect fully with your partner.

Past relationships can present in different ways. You may find yourself reacting disproportionately to a minor disagreement because it triggers a memory of past hurt. 

If you’ve been betrayed previously, you may find it difficult to trust your partner - even if they weren’t the one who hurt you in the first place. If you feel that you have past relationship issues, it’s important to address them to create and maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Healing from these issues may involve revisiting past trauma, expressing unresolved emotions, or undergoing couples therapy to help better understand and process these experiences. 

Why is my past affecting my current relationship?

Our past experiences, especially those involving trauma or attachment wounds, can shape our beliefs, behaviours, and emotional responses in current relationships - even with a completely different person. Experiencing trauma can create deeply ingrained patterns that influence how we perceive ourselves, others, and the world around us.

As an example, if you experienced neglect or abandonment during childhood, you may struggle with attachment issues in relationships, leading you to struggle with trust and intimacy as an adult. You may find it difficult to let your guard down, be fearful of letting other people “in”, or constantly worry about being left. On the other hand, if you have experienced infidelity or betrayal in a past relationship, you might struggle with jealousy, insecurity and trust issues, even if your current partner hasn’t done anything to make you doubt them. 

If you feel that you have past trauma relating to relationships, you may find EMDR therapy helpful. EMDR can help you to reprocess past traumatic experiences, reducing their emotional intensity and making room for you to create healthier relationship patterns. 

Is it healthy to bring up past arguments in a relationship?

Though it’s certainly important to address unresolved issues that are causing feelings of resentment, constantly bringing up past arguments can be detrimental to your relationship. It can make your partner feel like you will never forgive them, creating a cycle of negativity and fuelling resentment. 

If you find yourself constantly rehashing old arguments, ask yourself why. Do you want resolution, or are you using these past hurts as a weapon? Are you holding onto resentment, or are you genuinely trying to understand and learn from the past? 

Rather than dwelling on past arguments that cannot be changed, focus on communicating your current needs and feelings, and work as a team to find constructive solutions. If you're struggling to communicate effectively or to let go of past hurts, couples therapy can provide guidance and support.

How do you stop resenting your partner?

Stopping feelings of resentment towards your partner calls for a shift in perspective, a commitment to open communication, and, ultimately, a willingness to forgive. You’ll also need to start by addressing the underlying issues causing the resentment, such as power and control in relationships, unmet needs, or unresolved conflicts. 

Couples therapy is a safe and supportive space to work on your feelings of resentment towards your partner. By providing a safe and supportive space to explore these issues, therapy can be the starting point for developing healthier relationship dynamics. It can help you learn to communicate more effectively, negotiate needs and boundaries, and create a more balanced and equitable relationship.

Couples therapy in Cheshire and online

Feelings of resentment and unresolved past issues can cause significant challenges in relationships, but with a willingness to move forward and the right support in place, healing is possible. 

I offer both couples therapy and individual therapy both from my office near Warrington and online via Zoom, and my person-centred approach is here to provide a safe, supportive, and non-judgemental space for you to explore your concerns, gain new perspectives, and work towards healing and growth.